Status: Health, Winter 2016

I think I'm writing again.  (Lord knows I need to do something different.  What I'm currently doing isn't working.)

I feel like  I've been more or less on the brink of a nervous breakdown since before Thanksgiving. (Dramatic much, why yes, how did you know?)  Little things are helping keep it at bay, but they're sandbags and the levy wall really, really wants to break.  If that happens, I'm not sure I can do much to keep the flood out of the house.  If you know what I mean.

For the first time in 3 years, I'm actually doing pretty well physically, for winter.  A real surprise considering we're in an El Nino year.  What with me being the delicate flower I am, and the damp & cold that El Nino waters bring I would've predicted major walking issues.  So far, I'm holding it together.  I'm not thriving by any stretch, but I'm walking on my own & my family's existence seems to be flowing fairly well.  Most would call that a big win. Considering how low I've set the bar, you would think, I would be part of that most; but there's a lot of things conspiring to push me down & it's hard to manage it all.  In Other Words, I'm feel like I'm losing the battle.

DaddySpeak started a new job last year.  He was at his last place of work for almost 10 years.  That's an eternity in Silicon Valley.  Because his company is considered one of the best places to work, (in the world,) no one asks, "What's wrong with you?  Why have you been there so long?" which is how ambition is typically determined here in Silicon Valley.  It was an enviable position to be in, in my opinion.  But he'd more or less maxed out there.  If he wanted his job to evolve he needed to leave.  At least for a while.  (It's also not uncommon here to leave so you can get the title you aspire to, and eventually go back to your previous company.  They couldn't promote you title wise because of BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... but now that you have experience at that level we can hire you back in that position or above.  Yeah, I know makes tons of sense. Lame, I agree, but a relatively common practice.)  So, our insurance changed for the first time in 10 years.  Most of my doctors were not on this new insurance.  We always sign up for the PPO plan so that if a doctor or two I've been going to isn't on the plan, I don't have to change up everything all at once.  Which explains why I suddenly had to change up ALL my doctors at once.  The short version is; I spent months trying to get new doctors in line.  And now that I've done that, they changed to OUR OLD PROVIDER. I kid you not.  In the meantime, I just finally got set up at this pain clinic.  I was actually super excited because I felt like these doctors were way more in line with my approach to getting better. Not just managing my Fibro. (The Fibro doctor I've been going to keeps me in drugs.  He isn't open to anything that isn't traditional Western Medicine.  I think I can do better, but was nervous to leave him. I felt like the timing was actually good.  This was the universe telling me it was time to move on.)   However, I've since found that I can't seem to get evaluated to get that treatment at this new place.  Seriously.  It took me 4 months to get all my forms, files, etc...to them.  And this clinic won't talk to you until they have your past history in place.  Finally, all shored up.  Got into my first visit with the main doc.  Looks good, going to be evaluated by several people in house to access my current needs; and BAM.  Red light. They were supposed to call me & never did.  I called them.  They'll get back to me with the doctor's orders.  Nothing.  I made a couple more calls and then I was back in for my follow up with the main doctor again.  (Scheduled at the end of my last appointment, but a different desk/person in the clinic.)  He apologized.  Said he took responsibility for the misconnect & that we'd get moving now.  Still in the same boat.   I can NOT seem to get on the phone with the scheduler.  I've been playing phone tag with her for literally 4 weeks now.  So much for pain management.  In the meantime, as expected during the winter, I've been gradually getting worse. I'm at the place where I've started to get migraines again. That's when I know things are bad.  My sleep is crap.  I can't seem to follow asleep till 3:00/4:00 AM.  I will sleep a good 7 hours once asleep, so that's progress.  The problem is that most of the people around me, are NOT functioning on Hawaiian time in California.  So I'm on swing shift.  I sleep for 3 hours, get up, get the kids off to school, go back to bed.  I don't get much done, but I do get rest.  I've learned through the years, to grab the sleep I can, when I can.  If I don't sleep while they're at school, I'm a mess around 4:00 PM.  You know, right in the thick of carpool.  That's safe, NOT.  So, yeah.

Things are a little better in that, the girls make their own lunches at night & are responsible for themselves in the AM.  That doesn't mean it isn't chaotic, it just means I don't have to actually leave the house with them most days.  (That's a win in my book.)  When I do, I usually throw sweats over my PJs & then back to bed.  Girls are also responsible for dishes, dogs & laundry these days.  We're still working on that, but even when they just do a bit, it helps.

So that's where I'm at in my current medical journey.  No where really.  Fibro is maintaining. Hashi's is maintaining.  (Still gaining weight, slowly, but surely.  That's another post for another day.)  And mostly, we're all holding our breath, hoping there isn't some major catastrophe that puts me back into a completely overwhelming downward spiral from which I need to get more serious help for.

More later.  I hope.

Well Hello There....

I've been thinking about writing again.  I just read my last post. February two years ago & I had an almost identical conversation with my shrink today. And to be honest, it's almost more than I can take.  The reason I have for writing isn't about me or my kids.  But reading that post & realizing the spiral I've been on for YEARS now? I just want to make it all go away. You know.

I'm not sleeping.  Surprise!
Little is still dealing w/the same mean girls. Surprise!
I'm back to being depressed. Surprise.

I just learned that a fellow mom blogger has been diagnosed w/stage IV lung cancer.  It's moved into other parts of her body already.  She will not recover from this, she can manage it.  I'm not good friends with this blogger.  I'm not even FaceBook (FB) friends with her.  I probably read some of her stuff back in the day when I was at my blogging high point.  (i.e.-had a lot of readers  And, apparently, enough time to read blogs.  I really had no idea how busy this mom gig could get, damn!)  It just hit me so hard.  She's a single mom.  Dad is around.  But she can't work now & a mutual  (mom blogger,) friend is organizing fundraisers for her. I'm not naming her because 1) it's not my story and 2) her kids don't know yet.

Her kids.

Her story, right now, is every, single mothers' worst nightmare.

I'm sure it's because of my lack of sleep & depression (& a medical procedure I had this week, that I'm still "recovering" from,) so I'm feeling sensitive to this type of thing in particular.  I just can't right now.  All I know is that I'm hurting for her.  And for her kids.  I feel guilt for bitching when nothing I'm dealing with is terminal.  For having the audacity to complain at all about my health.  No, I don't look sick.  (And FAT or overweight doesn't look sick.  Regardless if it is the way you happen to look sick.  Obviously, this is still how I look sick & it bothers me a lot, still.)  No, I'm NOT going to die from this stuff, (at least not as a direct result, in the near future.)

How dare I complain about the way in which I get to participate in my kids' lives.
How dare I bitch about money issues or lack of energy or sleep or my weight.
All of those things mean I'm still here & I'm still participating.  For better or worse, my kids know I'm here & doing my best to raise them into the best adults I know how to help them be.

I'm sorry.  Do me a favor.  Pray for her.  And for all the other friends I have in my feed who are dealing with cancer.  Pray for their families.  And pray that they can find peace.   Isn't that what we all really need, peace?